27 Real World Truths and Chuckles

"In what sense has Maria Shriver ever lived in the real world?" my husband, Bill, asked me over breakfast. He held up a full-page magazine ad showing that Shriver has a book out called Ten Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Went Out Into the Real World."What?" I mumbled. I was nursing a deep scratch incurred while trying to toilet-train the cat. Bill shook the paper at me. "This, from the daughter of Eunice Kennedy Shriver and the wife of Arnold Schwarzenegger? Where's the real world in that?"I have not peeked into that book (too busy with the Band-Aids), but I did ask dozens of people from the actual real world what they wish they had known. Here's a sampling:

1. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter. --DAN HENRY
2. If only someone had told me the body I loathed in my 20s would be the body I wistfully longed for in my 30s! --CYNTHIA BOCOBOC
3. Grace isn't a little prayer you chant before receiving a meal. It's a way to live. --JACKIE WINDSPEAR
4. No one who cannot train a dog to heel, sit and stay for at least ten minutes on command should be allowed to raise children. --ROBIN CLEMENTS
5. When buying a car, skip zippy and snazzy, and go directly to practical and running. --MARILYN PENLAND
6. A woman needs only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the tape. --PHYLLIS WINTER
7. The five most essential words for a healthy relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right." --TERRY DUKE
8. Pull over for the idiots and let them pass even when you're going pretty fast already. --MIKE SOCHACKI
9. Show up, pay attention, speak from the heart, and don't be attached to the outcome. --LYNNE BORSCHE
10. Liver really is good for you. --DR. MARK SLOAN
11. Never marry a man who hates his mother. --BETH CLEMENTS
12. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste. --LAIKO BAHRS
13. I've learned to pick my battles. I ask myself, "Will this matter a year from now? A month? A week? A day?" --VALORIE JACKSON
14. The shortest line is always the longest. --SUSAN G. SEITZ
15. Good sex should involve laughter. Because it's, you know, funny. --STEPHANIE LUCAS
16. When you realize you've made a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. --DAN HEIST
17. Make sure you leave something in this world besides clothes, a nice house and a stock portfolio. --SABRINA STEELE
18. You learn something new every day if you pay attention. --RAY LEBLOND
19. Don't supply the rocks that are to be thrown at you. --GENE DALY
20. Never leave a place where you're having a good time to go somewhere else where you only think you'll have a better time. --RICH LEBLOND
21. If he says you're too good for him, believe it. --DEBBIE FARSON
22. The best advice my mother ever gave me: "Go! You might meet somebody!" --SUSAN PIPER PRYOR
23. You will never, ever win an argument with a meter maid. --DEAN BACKUS
24. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance. --ANDREA BOYDSTON
25. Never pass up an opportunity to use the rest room. --SALLY SANGER
26. Sing out loud in the car even, or especially, if it embarrasses your children. --MARILYN PENLAND
27. And my contribution: When the instructions on the flimsy cat toilet-training device say, "The cat must weigh no more than 12 pounds," weigh the cat. --ADAIR LARA

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