Fix Me, Please

I dropped a few tears in the car on the way to work this morning. I am so tired. I don't really want to be here right now. I am tired of trying to be optimistic about things.

I told my brother just awhile ago that I can't do this anymore. I feel like i have to drag myself to work everyday. Everytime I think about going to the office, I felt like throwing up. Those are not good signs, right? It's not the workload. It's not the people (i've made some good friends here). I am not really sure why. I guess the feeling of insecurity and the future of my career. I don't see myself progressing here. I am worried that my value will go down, if I stay here too long. I feel like I am stuck here. I am worried about so many other things.

My brother told me to hold on. He told me to keep trying. He told me that maybe this is my downcycle but it's during this time that it makes me stronger. He said that later, when I am on the upcycle, I'll be able to relate to this experience. I told him I am tired trying to be strong and keep my head high. He told me that, I went this far already and it's not worth quitting right now after all my sufferings. He told me to do enough to survive.

If there is one thing that I am not happy about my life right now is my work lah! I am not even worried about being single and not married at this point of time (eventhough there are people who worries for me). Without work, how would I survive in this world? Maybe this is not the job for me. Who knows maybe I am destined to be something else?

I don't know what I would do without my brother, family and close friends. I feel like putting everything aside and just go. But a grasp of reality makes me tell myself.. please, keep holding on. Just step out of the office, I become a different person entirely. It is bad that when it is the beginning of a fresh day, a brand new week, but I am already wishing for the weekend. I wish you guys will never have to feel like what I am feeling right now. It is not good. I don't want my friends to have to go through this experience. It sucks!

I know that I have to keep my head up. But today, i just feel weak. I just want everything to be happier, with rainbows and sunshine. I know that there are other people who suffer things worst than me. It's not that I am not grateful with what I have, but I feel there is so much more to this and it really frustrating for me, cuz it's not happening to me!

I am sorry if this post sounded emotional or "disturbing". And don't worry, I am still sane, I am ok. I am still doing what I am doing right now. I just need a place to say things out, ya know. I felt better now. Anyway, thanks for reading.

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below when you're too in love to let it go but
If you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth
Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears streaming down your face and I
Tears streaming down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

~ Fix You, Coldplay